Still hanging in there

Me. But there's a lot you don't see. Besides my face, I mean. 

It's been a busy few days. It's been a good busy. Well, not all moments were good, but overall I'm happy with my level of anxiety, and also my reaction to stressful situations. 

Two days ago I was proud of myself when I came home late exhausted and washed my hair despite being so tired. It probably saved me. I ended up staying up late and would have pulled had my hair not been wet. 

Today I've been playing a lot. A... LOT. I can't keep my fingers or mind busy enough to stop. I'm so happy  though that I vocalized numerous times out loud that I am aware of this. Being aware and not trying to ignore it makes such a big difference. And my hubby has been great about it. Even got me my second obsession to help distract me, a cup full of ice. What other human being on this earth would put up with the sounds of ice being chewed all night? Anyways, I'm trying hard to not pull but even harder to not even play. I really should go wash my hair. Yes, that's what I'll do. My luck I'll probably go into labor the night I don't shower anyways. 

So, I have a few pictures to share. They're pretty bad. They are hopefully my "before" pictures... and maybe in a few weeks I can post my first of many "after" pictures. Speaking of, I took some last year when I began my first ever not-pulling era. First one was two weeks after I had stopped, it was very golum- like. I'll be sure to share those sometime.

Anyways, here are pictures from now. How my hair is right now. It's a lot worst than I thought it was, but the pain of seeing it makes me want to keep from pulling. Seeing the truth of the situation and feeling the pain of it is necessary. I'm so sad though that I can't just leave my hair down, or that I'll be conscious of my hair and what's showing at all times, especially in the delivery room. 

View from the top. There is a lot that is regrowing from before, but it wasn't fast enough to keep up with my busy fingers. 

This is where it starts to get bad. Just a whole bunch of different angles, I didn't know which ones would turn out and I'm just posting what I have. 






This is pretty much what it would look like if left down. :'(

And should the wind blow my hair aside. Scary to think that people saw this before I realized how bad it was. 

So there I am. Even putting my hair in a ponytail is risky, there's not enough hair to cover it all. I have to have a thousand clips in place to secure what I have over what's missing. 

I am a bit scared to post these... but I know that showing my vulnerability has been a good tool in the healing process. 

Being aware

I still have not pulled. I have made myself so incredibly aware of anxious times, or times that I am prone to pulling. I have talked about it out loud to my husband every time I can't seem to get my fingers out of my hair. I know that playing with my hair long enough will only lead to one place, and I want to stay far away from there. 

My bald spots are worst than I thought though, I really did a number on my scalp last week. I can not wear my hair down or in a headband anymore. So I bought some extensions to clip in. I have some pictures for a whole post on it. 

Right now though I'm recovering from a very very busy weekend, I have a lot of laundry to do and cleaning and other stuff. Oh yeah and I'm having some contractions. I hope the baby's not coming today, there's too much to do! 

Anyways, once things settle down today I'll spend time posting those pictures and writing about my decision behind these hair extensions. 

I made it!

I kept myself busy last night and washed my hair and didn't pull! Mini victory!! 

So far today I've felt anxious and the urge to pull, but the urge was only a 6 on 1-10 scale. Still though, that wouldn't have stopped me before. 

So far so good again. I don't know how long I'll be able to keep this going, but I have a different mindset now. It's one day at a time, I'm not worried about "day one" or two or whatnot just yet. Today is a new day and so far I've stopped myself from pulling but also from playing. 

All day

I have managed to go all day without one pull. I have made the decision to remove my fingers from my hair every time I caught myself playing. 

Now comes the difficult part... bed time. I need to be conscious of my fingers and urges. That's why I'm posting this right now. Anyways, I feel good about tonight. Will keep conscious. 

In the News

I love seeing stories and articles on Trichotillomania, it means that the disorder is getting attention and that people out there that pull and feel alone may realize that they are in fact not alone. 

I'm going to ask my doctor about this vitamin they're talking about, to see if I can take it while breastfeeding. But this means that I have to talk to my doctor about it. Scary. 

I've been a member of TLC but haven't gone to any retreats or conferences. I've wanted to, but time and money have been an issue. 

Anyways, I am definitely wanting to try this vitamin but I am not fond of using anti-depressants. I've tried a couple of times. Not that they don't help or work for others. But they're not for me. 

I like how Christine Pearson mentions contemplating cutting off her own hands. I know I've thought things like that. I've thought of burning the tips of my fingers so that it would hurt to touch anything. I didn't though. Instead I would sometimes put superglue on my fingertips so that it didn't feel right. Then I'd obsessively pick the glue off for hours, THEN pull. Plus it makes it look like your fingers are diseased and flaking skin, haha. 

I really really appreciate how this article goes into how people hide this disorder, like the shame I've mentioned in previous posts, it is a real and big factor of the disorder. Hiding it, feeling bad about it. 

Anyways, here's the article below and the link to the actual article. 

http://www.cnn.com/2009/HEALTH/07/13/hair.pulling.trichotillomania/

Today has been good so far. I have caught myself playing with my hair and stopped myself every time. I haven't even pulled on accident so far. I'm not feeling too well though, I think I'm coming down with something and I'm tired despite having had two caffeine drinks. And my entire body aches. I have a lot to do but I may just sleep while my daughter is down for a nap. Yes, that's a good idea, I'm going to go sleep now. Sorry messy house, you'll have to wait. 

Hair-pulling: 'My hands were my enemies'

By Elizabeth Landau

CNN

(CNN) -- Christina Pearson was half-bald at age 13. She just couldn't stop pulling her hair, and ended up taking out every lock from the tops of her ears to the crown of her head.

"It was absolutely terrifying because I was a very bright child, and doing great in school," she said. "The doctor had no idea what it was."

Pearson continued pulling her hair throughout her teens, 20s, and early 30s. It wasn't until she was 33 that she learned her condition had a name: trichotillomania. She became inspired to start an organization, called the Trichotillomania Learning Center, to help other sufferers of the disorder.

It turns out that this condition, characterized by the urge to pull hair from one's body, affects about 2 to 4 percent of the population, according to the Trichotillomania Learning Center.

A new study published this week in the Archives of General Psychiatry may hold promise for those who compulsively pull their hair. Researchers say participants who took an antioxidant called N-acetylcysteine, sold over the counter at vitamin stores, had significant improvement over patients who took placebos.

The dietary supplement used in the study is known for its benefits to the kidneys and liver, said lead author Dr. John Grant at the University of Minnesota Medical Center, who is on the advisory board of the Trichotillomania Learning Center. More recently it has been shown to affect glutamate, a chemical messenger in the brain that seems to be involved in compulsive repetitive behaviors, he said.

The sample size was small -- 50 people -- but the study has generated enthusiasm among trichotillomania researchers.

"This is one of the bigger advances we've had within this field in a long time," said Doug Woods, associate professor of psychology at the University of Wisconsin, Milwaukee.

Psychologists are still debating how to categorize trichotillomania, Woods said. Many believe it is related to obsessive compulsive disorder, but others liken it to addictions or impulse control disorders.

Researchers are unsure of exactly what goes on in the brain with this disorder. Some people with trichotillomania feel pleasure in pulling hair, while others describe it as "calming," and still others have no idea why they do it, Grant said. There may be differences in the brain pathways among people with the condition, he said.

For Pearson, pulling hair up made her feel as if her whole nervous system lit up, she said.

"Basically my fingers would search for a texture, a certain type of hair, when I found it, I would pull it out," she said. "I would feel like I had found gold."

The condition affects primarily women and usually begins in childhood or adolescence, Woods said.

The term, coined in 1889 by a Greek physician, comes from the Greek words for its features: "tricho" means "hair," "till" means "to pull," and "mania" means "frenzy."

Long before the disorder had a name, the idea of compulsive hair-pulling had been known for hundreds of years, Woods said.

The two main kinds of medications that have been used for trichotillomania are selective seratonin reuptake inhibitors -- SSRIs, used for depression -- and the OCD drug chlorimipramine, Woods said. The antidepressants may help patients' anxiety and depression but don't actually help the pulling, whereas chlorimipramine has been shown to dampen the pulling impulse somewhat.

But the treatment that has demonstrated the most effectiveness so far is behavior therapy, Woods said.

The dietary supplement probably will not replace the need for behavioral therapy, but future research may find that they two approaches work well together, Grant said.

Before trying N-acetylcysteine, people should consult their physicians, particularly to determine whether there are interactions that the supplement could have with other medications the patient already takes, Grant said.

Experts say there are still many people who compulsively pull their hair and don't know that they are not the only ones.

Trichotillomania is such a stigmatizing disorder that people will go to great lengths to hide it -- to explain bald spots to acquaintances, some patients will lie and say they had cancer, Woods said.

"I have talked to patients who have pulled for 25 years, and their husbands don't even know it, they hide it so well," he said.

People with the disorder don't just pull from their heads -- they also pull hair from their eyebrows, eyelashes, and pubic regions, Woods said.

Living with the disease, Pearson at times felt suicidal. She dropped out of high school because she was terrified of her friends finding out.

"There was a time in my early 20s when I really, seriously considered, could I cut my hands off and live my life?" she said. "My hands were my enemies, because they pulled my hair."

To manage her condition 18 years ago, Pearson tried relaxation techniques for the situations that led to her pulling. For example, she tended to pull her hair while driving, so she bought thin leather gloves and told herself that she could not remove them -- or pull her hair -- until she turned the car off.

Today, there are many more strategies available to help people identify the triggers for hair-pulling and figure out the best way to control the impulses in those situations, Pearson said.

The Trichotillomania Learning Center has assisted more than 100,000 people in some way since 1991, Pearson said. The organization holds conferences, retreats, professional training sessions, and other programs to help people manage the disorder. The center also helps health care professionals learn about treating people for the condition.

"To experience the entrapment of this type of compulsion, and then to experience the freedom of living without it is a gift I wish for everyone," Pearson said.

For more information on getting help for trichotillomania, visit the Trichotillomania Learning Center.

Depressed

I fall in and out of depression quite easily it seems. Good thing is, I now know how to recognize it and address it before it gets too out of hand. My husband is also a great help. He can differentiate between bad moods and something really being wrong. We talk about it, and try to fix it. Really though it has to do with my level of anxiety and how it's affecting me. That's where my depression stems from. 

And my anxiety comes from chaos and lack of control. Or, disorganization and hair pulling. 

I've woken up these last few days depressed. I know I should be happy and take care of myself, but I can't seem to bring myself to doing it. That's the first stage. Then I become moody and start talking in my sleep, really I get angry in my sleep. My poor husband. 

So the hair pulling has been out of control these last three days. I've given myself permission to pull, put off trying to stop for now, until I feel ready. But then, the more I pull the farther away I am from caring about anything. The more anxious I become. And then I become depressed. 

I need a new plan. I need to feel some sense of control. I need to be realistic and know that I can't have complete control, but that's not an excuse for what I'm doing. 

I need to wash my hair every day. What's left of my hair at least :( But putting off washing it is the beginning to hiding it and denial. I need to know what it looks like. I need to have a clean head every morning, a fresh start. The more my fingers have been in my hair, the greasier it's been, and the more my face has broken out. I just feel gross all over. 

I just washed my hair and stepped out of the shower looking like Golum, or however his name is spelled, from Lord of the Rings. It's incredibly depressing but then again it's been worst. 

I think I need to buy some kind of hair "help"... like those hair clips with fake hair that I can slip in with my real hair to just kind of make it look thicker. I hate to go that route, but the anxiety from worrying about my bare spots showing is causing me to pull more. Go figure. 

I need to stay away from my hair at all costs after 8pm. There can be no accident pulls, no playing with my hair. Being tired and bored is the worst combination for me I've learned this last week. It's lethal for my hair. I need to have a plan for this and address it every night with a conscious mind. 

I need to pray. Even if I'm not sure how I feel about faith and the power of God in this situation, I know I need his help and that praying won't hurt. If nothing else, at least it's meditation, time where I solely focus on not pulling. 

And I need to wash my hair every day. That will be a bit of a challenge once the new baby is here, but I remember the feeding times with my first being a bad time for pulling too, so I need to make this a priority. Oh yeah, feeding times. That was bad. I was new to breast feeding, so especially while we had company, I would lock myself in the nursery to feed her. Both of us being new at it, one feeding would take an hour, and I'd have to do that every 2 hours. You can imagine. 

I just took some (pregnancy safe) sleeping pills and hope to pass out soon, then wake up to a new day. I have just had a three day binge pulling session, and now I need to call it quits and say that it's over. Even if my high levels of anxiety and depression are not over, I need to learn to get through it without pulling. 

Faith

I had a good day, one accident pull, two days ago. Then my world of anxiety came crashing in. 

As I've mentioned, I'm like 11 months pregnant and want things to be ready to bring the newborn home. My beloved cat started peeing on my bed a few days ago. Besides the sheets there's a down comforter, mattress pad, and the mattress itself that has to be cleaned. It takes a good amount of effort to get that cat smell out. Not to mention we've done everything we can for this cat to not pee on our bed, but it happened again. Right after everything was cleaned and put back on. All I could imagine is bringing a newborn home to a cat smelling house and sleeping in a dirty bed. Also, that we probably need to get rid of this stupid cat that I really do love, if we can't figure out what his problem is then he'll just keep doing this.

 I didn't even try to stop myself. I just let myself pull until my arms were so tired they hurt. 

Same thing for yesterday. If I had even tried to pretend that I could not pull, I only would have been filled with shame and guilt when I failed. 

We had dinner with some dear friends yesterday and started talking about personal things, and so I put my brave face on and talked about my recent anxiety and pulling episodes. They pretty much said "get rid of that cat!" but they also prayed for me right there.

I need to think about it a lot more before I write about it, because I'm not entirely sure how I feel or think about God in terms of my hair pulling. I know what I want to believe, what I should believe, but putting into action is something else. So I need to think long and hard about it before I decide what I feel and what I need to do, but it's along the lines of surrendering to Him and giving him my problem so that it's not mine to control anymore. Because I can't control it. 

I need to think about all of this because for someone with Trich, the guilt is directly from believing that they have control and just choose to pull. Also, having anxiety your whole life, one doesn't realize what is "normal" levels of anxiety, and therefore doesn't know any other way of life but the extremely anxious way. And lastly, being an American in today's society, you are raised to believe that everything is up to you, you can do or not do whatever you want... but as a Christian we are to believe that everything is His doing and you can do nothing without Him. Anyways, this is going to take a lot of thought. Hopefully I'll have more to say on it someday. 

Words and my daughter's hair.

Trichotillomania is so misunderstood... it's not quite an OCD, but it's not just an annoying habbit like biting your nails or cracking your knuckles. 

The most misunderstood aspect of it though, even by sufferers themselves, is the shame associated with it. It is so consuming. I think that it is the worst part of hair pulling. If I could just walk around with my ugly hair and have self-esteem... but it debilitates me. The shame is what causes being anti-social, uncommunicative, depressed, anxious. 

I have best friends who I haven't talked to about trichotillomania, or anything about my hair for that matter. Not that they don't have any clue, but they don't go there. It's pretty obvious that I'd rather pretend that no one knows. 

Not to mention that when I first found out about the diagnosis, and the condition was becoming pretty extreme, I began telling those around me and received some pretty hurtful or embarrassing words. 

My highschool boyfriend asked why I don't just pull from down south, that way I pull but it wouldn't affect my scalp. Boy, that was brilliant. I know some people do that, but it's not a matter of choice for me. I have no desire to pull anywhere but my scalp other than sometimes my eyelashes. That is my compulsion. Not skin picking or pulling from anywhere else, even though it's all related technically. Not for me. 

My husband once said, after I told him I had been pulling again after the 10 month hiatus, that "I need to just stop." 

I'm pretty open with my husband, there was a time when I couldn't talk about the hair pulling with him. Now though I am an open book with him and can tell him when it's a difficult day or where my bare spots are forming. Though I haven't shown him the recent ones. Anyways, that's why it bothered me so much that he said that, he should have known better. He's read more books on this than I have. He's great support and by far the most understanding and patient person I know. And he told me I just need to stop it. 

The worst though was when I told my mother. We have always had a horrible relationship. We just don't like each other, if you can imagine. She really doesn't like me. She's proud of me, loves me, blah blah blah. But she can't stand being around me and we just don't get along. The feeling is completely mutual. 

So, as you can imagine, the teenage years were tough. I didn't live with her. But before I left, when the situation was getting really bad, so was the hair pulling, I printed out probably a dozen pages of info on Trichotillomania and told her that I can't stop it and I'm losing my hair. 

She got mad at me. She told me that my Aunt was going through chemo for breast cancer and was losing her hair without choice. Here I was doing it to myself, how could I be so selfish? My hair used to be so pretty, I just want attention. 

I don't remember being surprised by her. But it still hurt. 

I can understand her being sad that her daughter was losing her beautiful hair, it was the part of me that she took most pride in. It was always long and very thick and had a nice shine to the golden brown color. She was always getting compliments on it when I was smaller. And now it was littering her living room floor and her daughter was ugly. 

My daughter has beautiful hair, it's long for a two year old. It has big curls but still reaches her mid back. It's soft and fine and shiny golden brown. I imagine that I'd mourn the loss of her hair should she ever lose it for any reason. The child is already showing some serious OCD tendencies, and it scares me. Not that she'll pull, but that she'll suffer from the world of anxiety like I have. I know what it does to friendships and relationships and jobs and concentration and self-esteem. 

My husband asked me if I'm ever jealous of her hair. I love that he asks deep questions like that, and that I could be completely honest with him should the answer be a bad one, and I know I wouldn't be judged. But I'm not jealous. Not of her, I want the world for her. I'm jealous of the shampoo commercials, and girls I see that can let their hair down and flip it into the wind. In fact, seeing it and playing with it and doing it for her inspires and motivates me. Her hair is the most natural kind of beautiful there is. Her hair has never been touched by a curling or straightening iron, it's never been colored or highlighted. It's hardly even had a trim. Anyways, I could understand my mother's sadness, and I could even understand her utter lack of support and compassion/understanding. But it definitely played a role into what I would become in regards to my trich. Alone. Ashamed. 

So yesterday... I pulled 6 hairs. 2 were on complete accident, but 4 were a result of me playing with my hair and the strand just kind of slipping out without a lot of effort on my part. But it was my fault. The 2 accidents I could forgive and still call it "day two", but the 4 I can't ignore. Huge successes throughout the day though, and I also can't ignore those. I have to celebrate those. So many times I found one that needed to get out, and I left it. So many times I resisted. That is a huge deal! It may not have been 'day two', but it was a good day. 

My Day One

I felt good about yesterday. I pulled that one on accident, and for the sake of getting started it's good enough for me to count that as my official "day one". I didn't pull all day, and I hardly played. After what happened the day before I had no desire to pull. Well... of course I had the urge, but it wasn't worth it to me. I'm so glad I was able to make that choice.

Night time came and I started playing with it more. I kept stopping myself and pulling my fingers out of my hair. 

Today I'm not as sure as yesterday but it helps that I made it through yesterday. Here we go for day two. My goal is to not accidentally pull and to not play with my hair. If I find something that needs to get out, I don't know if I'll have the strength. 

well THAT sucked.

I did great yesterday. All day, not one hair. I played with my hair but left everything intact. 

Until bed time. 

I found one single hair that really needed to get out. The release was huge. But it didn't last. 

That one turned to six. 

Then six turned into a two hour pulling session. 

I couldn't stop. And I didn't stop until I was so miserably tired that I couldn't keep my eyes open. My arm was tired, my fingers hurt, and my bare spot is now more bare if not bald. It's depressing and I already feel myself resorting back to the "wig era" where I just don't take care of myself. This morning I didn't want to touch my hair and threw a stupid headband on and it looks like crap. 

So far today I've only pulled one and it was on complete accident. Which in my book is better than intentionally. It's giving in to the urge that is completely evil. 

I don't know if I have hope for the rest of the day. I'm going to be a lot more cautious tonight at bedtime. I know that being tired, and bored, and watching TV is prime time for pulling, so I have to think of a plan to prepare for those times. 

I need to vacuum the bedroom now, it's littered with hair. 

Curly hair

When my hair started growing back last year, for the first time in 9 years, it came back super curly. I was bald except at the nape of my neck, and 4 months after stopping I had a full head of thick curly hair. Very short hair, but it was mine. 

As it got longer and I began getting trims, I lost my curls. I was definitely sad about it, I had so much fun with curly hair, but it was also fun having to think of new ways to do my hair. Straightening, dying, clips, braids, ponytails... it had been a long long time. 

These last few months I've pulled enough from the top of head that when it grows back it'll turn the majority of my head curly. Boy will that look weird, Some long and straight, some short and curly. I'm looking forward to having to worry about that. 

So... yesterday after my post.... 

I didn't pull!! Bet you thought I was going to say I did, huh? I don't blame you. 

Except for those 4 accidental pulls in the morning, I refrained the urge AND stayed conscious about it. Today is day one, pull free. 

I did have a problem yesterday though that needs to be addressed... I didn't keep my fingers out of my hair. I kept searching and looking. There were two times where I really really REALLY wanted to pull, but didn't :D There were two times though that instead of pulling, I stretched the hair out, trying to fix the crinkli-ness of it, and the hair broke. It didn't pull out, so there was no relief in that sense, but I was still a bit upset with myself. 

When I was doing well and hadn't pulled in months I would play with my hair in such a way, my fingers would be busy searching and finding, but I wouldn't pull. My husband told me that I shouldn't even do that, and I defended myself saying I had proven my strength and it would be ok. 

He was right. I can't even play around with it. It's like an alcoholic holding a beer but saying they won't drink it. Hold it long enough and they'll take a sip. Before they know it, the bottle is empty and they're reaching for another. 

This morning I've been playing a lot again. I'm finding a lot of short hairs that are really ideal for plucking.... they're curly and crinkly and it drives me nuts  to find them and leave them. 

So I'm going to go stay busy now, my two year old can help with that. I think today will be a good day :)

Labor

When I was in my late teens, one of my wishes was to be able to have my hair pulling under control by the time I was pregnant and in labor. I know that sounds silly, but it was the goal I had. Not so much by my wedding or college or anything, but I wanted to be able to sweat and push and labor glamorously, have crazy wild hair that was sticking everywhere and not have to worry about bare spots or wigs or headbands. 

For the first time I gave birth, that didn't happen. I had been wearing a wig for 3 years and it looked bad. It was the huge white elephant in the room, everyone that was close to me could tell that something was up with my "hair" but no one asked or talked about it. One time I fell asleep on my brother's couch and I woke up in a hurry when he touched it to see what it was. 

Anyways, I was in a great position this pregnancy to finally reach my goal. I was looking forward to letting my hair down and the awful (they would have been great to me) pictures of my hair a mess while holding and falling in love with my new born. 

I won't have to wear a wig this time but it's not what I wanted. Even wearing a ponytail is getting awkward now. I've considered buying a hair extension or something, but I really really don't want to go that route again. That's how it started the first time, my crutch on fake hair. Then it went to more hair extensions, and finally wigs. I still cringe every time I see a picture of the wig era. It just didn't look right. Granted, I didn't really take care of them. You're not supposed to sleep and shower and swim in them. 

Anyways, this impending labor is like the in-between of worst case scenario and best case scenario. I think I can pull off a pony tail or a headband, at least I'm not wearing a wig, but I still wish I could just not worry or need to "have a plan". 

Yesterday turned out to be a bad day. I was stuck at the computer all day, which is a bad spot for me. Like I said, even the ponytail is getting a bit scarce. Dammit. 

This morning I woke up and my first thought was to remind myself to not pull, accidentally or intentionally. I kept reminding myself throughout the morning and was feeling good that I went an hour or so without the urge. 

THEN, before I knew it, I was holding a strand in my fingers. Dammit. 

Now, at almost noon, I've pulled four hairs like that. I guess it's better than intentionally doing it, because the urge is so hard to fight and when I do give in it doesn't stop for a while. It has just been mindless pulls. Only four so far. So today isn't "day one" but it can still be a good day. 

Re-growth

The spots that I created earlier in the year now have very fine and short hair growing back in. It only took 4 or 5 months. I'm really glad that I have some spots filling in, even if others are getting bigger.

NOW, if I can stop pulling today, then 4 or 5 months from now I won't have any bare spots. 

I pulled yesterday after my post. I didn't have any large episodes, just kind of pulled here and there throughout the day. "Oh well" I thought, "Tomorrow is a new day."

Except I've already pulled like 7 hairs. Dammit dammit dammit. I did it before I even knew what I was doing, then I couldn't stop. Well, I have now. That's good. 

Still though, there's a whole day to not pull. I  really really really want to not pull. 

New Day

Every morning I wake up with the intention of that day being the beginning to a new start. To a recovery. I think, "OK, if I can just get through today, one day, without pulling, then I can start fresh. Today is 'day one'."

Before I know it I've been pulling for half an hour while watching the news or surfing the internet. 

Yesterday started well enough, I had a good start. But then something really emotional happened and a severe anxiety attack was triggered. I feel like I was able to hold back in a way, but I may just be delusional. Really the difficult part came later, at bed time when I was able to think about the whole day. When I was relaxing, or supposed to be. I was in bed watching TV. I pulled and pulled and pulled. For maybe two hours. 

At the time I tell myself it's OK to pull, that I will accept the consequences and accept myself as a puller. What a load of shit, I will say anything to justify the moment. Really, I would have preferred to wake up and do my hair without limits. It was not nice finding two large bare spots that were not there yesterday. 

My hair is thinning and thinning. Just the top half. Really, the important half. The hair lies closer to my scalp and it's in a ponytail but it just doesn't look right. It looks like strands of hair were painted on my scalp. 

If I could just get one day.... I've done it before. All it took was one day to start and then I had a new obsession; to keep it going. To count the days since I've pulled. 

Last year I went one day without pulling for the first time in 10 years. That one day became 10 months pull-free. I did it once, I now know I have the power to do it again. But what happened? How can I avoid relapsing? 

Maybe I shouldn't worry about that yet, let's get that one day going first, then I can worry about keeping it going. 

I went 3 weeks without pulling last month. Then I went to the hospital with severe pneumonia and had to stay there for a week. I've never been admitted to the hospital save for the time I gave birth. It sucks. It's boring. And I pulled. 

Coming home was one giant anxiety attack. I love my husband but good Lord the place was a mess. Not a pigsty, there weren't dirty dishes piling the table or under the bed, the trash wasn't overflowing, my daughter was clean and fed and loved. But the tupperware cabinet was disorganized. Our closet was cluttered. My clothes were put in the wrong drawers. I could go on and on about how out of place everything was. Not a big deal, except that is the exact things that triggers anxiety for me. I hate it, I just feel like life is falling apart. How stupid is that? 

I can't explain it, but everywhere I looked something was out of place. I was still sick and had very little energy to do anything about it. So instead I had to sit in this chaos of a house and "rest". 

That means I pulled. A lot.

Good news is that today my house is officially put back in order. I feel at peace with sitting in my living room. It's finally relaxing. 

I did pull this morning, but very little I think. Once I saw the two large spots from last night I vowed to not pull for the rest of the day. So far so good. I would be happy with day 1/2.

Good news is that I am usually able to recognize what triggers hair pulling and anxiety. Even if recognizing doesn't stop it, it's good to know why. Then sometimes I can decide if it's worth it. Like I said earlier in this post though, usually I'll justify anything in the moment to "get my fix". But it's at least possible I guess. 

Today I had a fresh start when I vacuumed. Vacuuming is very therapeutic for me, I realized today. So then why don't I just vacuum everyday? I think that may be a good goal. But if I am able to refrain from pulling then it won't feel as good as it did today, picking up the last week's worth of pulling. Plus, vacuuming isn't very easy for me to do right now. I always find excuses like "My daughter is taking a nap" and "the house is a mess, I have to pick it up first" and "I'm like 11 months pregnant". 

Oh, yeah, I'm very very pregnant. Makes everything in life just a little bit more difficult. Especially bending down and picking up dozens of little toys so that I can vacuum. 

Last time I gave birth and brought home a newborn, it had a drug-like effect on me. I was the calmest and furthest away from anxiety as I had ever been. I still pulled out of habit, but everyone that knew me commented on my new demeanor. I was walking on cloud nine for months, it was an incredible high. It's what led to my first "day one" ever and the 10 months that followed. I started pulling again after I became pregnant with this one and my husband was gone on an extended work trip, aka deployment. So there I was suffering morning sickness the sorts, and chasing a toddler by myself with absolutely no family in a 500 mile radius, and working full time. I guess that might stress one out. 

Anyways, I do hope that bringing this baby home will have the same effect on me, and I suspect it might, but I'm not counting on it. The entire pregnancy has been so completely different than the last that I've thrown out the window any pre-conception of what I'm about to experience. 

The fact that I'm about to bring home a new one does trigger a bit of anxiety; the nursery is not put together when it had been done for months before we brought home my daughter. But it's done enough that it's not causing any pulling (I think) Anyways, the anticipation of bringing a new one home does make me a bit anxious, but when I think about nursing him and holding him while he sleeps and bathing him, I become calmer. Crazy. 

So that's why I suspect bringing him home will help with my counting the days, but I can't depend on it, kwim? 

So to wrap up my super long post; 

I hope to have a 'day one'

Vacuuming is good

I recently relapsed when I went to the hospital with pneumonia and came home

I'm very very pregnant

I can't stop

After every episode I force myself to look in the mirror and survey the damage. I really really really don't want to know, but know I need to. So I look and say, "OK, if I just do my hair like THIS from now on, it won't look so bad. And if I just stop now, then I can do my hair like this until it grows back some."

But I don't stop. I can't stop.