Labor

When I was in my late teens, one of my wishes was to be able to have my hair pulling under control by the time I was pregnant and in labor. I know that sounds silly, but it was the goal I had. Not so much by my wedding or college or anything, but I wanted to be able to sweat and push and labor glamorously, have crazy wild hair that was sticking everywhere and not have to worry about bare spots or wigs or headbands. 

For the first time I gave birth, that didn't happen. I had been wearing a wig for 3 years and it looked bad. It was the huge white elephant in the room, everyone that was close to me could tell that something was up with my "hair" but no one asked or talked about it. One time I fell asleep on my brother's couch and I woke up in a hurry when he touched it to see what it was. 

Anyways, I was in a great position this pregnancy to finally reach my goal. I was looking forward to letting my hair down and the awful (they would have been great to me) pictures of my hair a mess while holding and falling in love with my new born. 

I won't have to wear a wig this time but it's not what I wanted. Even wearing a ponytail is getting awkward now. I've considered buying a hair extension or something, but I really really don't want to go that route again. That's how it started the first time, my crutch on fake hair. Then it went to more hair extensions, and finally wigs. I still cringe every time I see a picture of the wig era. It just didn't look right. Granted, I didn't really take care of them. You're not supposed to sleep and shower and swim in them. 

Anyways, this impending labor is like the in-between of worst case scenario and best case scenario. I think I can pull off a pony tail or a headband, at least I'm not wearing a wig, but I still wish I could just not worry or need to "have a plan". 

Yesterday turned out to be a bad day. I was stuck at the computer all day, which is a bad spot for me. Like I said, even the ponytail is getting a bit scarce. Dammit. 

This morning I woke up and my first thought was to remind myself to not pull, accidentally or intentionally. I kept reminding myself throughout the morning and was feeling good that I went an hour or so without the urge. 

THEN, before I knew it, I was holding a strand in my fingers. Dammit. 

Now, at almost noon, I've pulled four hairs like that. I guess it's better than intentionally doing it, because the urge is so hard to fight and when I do give in it doesn't stop for a while. It has just been mindless pulls. Only four so far. So today isn't "day one" but it can still be a good day.