Still hanging in there

Me. But there's a lot you don't see. Besides my face, I mean. 

It's been a busy few days. It's been a good busy. Well, not all moments were good, but overall I'm happy with my level of anxiety, and also my reaction to stressful situations. 

Two days ago I was proud of myself when I came home late exhausted and washed my hair despite being so tired. It probably saved me. I ended up staying up late and would have pulled had my hair not been wet. 

Today I've been playing a lot. A... LOT. I can't keep my fingers or mind busy enough to stop. I'm so happy  though that I vocalized numerous times out loud that I am aware of this. Being aware and not trying to ignore it makes such a big difference. And my hubby has been great about it. Even got me my second obsession to help distract me, a cup full of ice. What other human being on this earth would put up with the sounds of ice being chewed all night? Anyways, I'm trying hard to not pull but even harder to not even play. I really should go wash my hair. Yes, that's what I'll do. My luck I'll probably go into labor the night I don't shower anyways. 

So, I have a few pictures to share. They're pretty bad. They are hopefully my "before" pictures... and maybe in a few weeks I can post my first of many "after" pictures. Speaking of, I took some last year when I began my first ever not-pulling era. First one was two weeks after I had stopped, it was very golum- like. I'll be sure to share those sometime.

Anyways, here are pictures from now. How my hair is right now. It's a lot worst than I thought it was, but the pain of seeing it makes me want to keep from pulling. Seeing the truth of the situation and feeling the pain of it is necessary. I'm so sad though that I can't just leave my hair down, or that I'll be conscious of my hair and what's showing at all times, especially in the delivery room. 

View from the top. There is a lot that is regrowing from before, but it wasn't fast enough to keep up with my busy fingers. 

This is where it starts to get bad. Just a whole bunch of different angles, I didn't know which ones would turn out and I'm just posting what I have. 






This is pretty much what it would look like if left down. :'(

And should the wind blow my hair aside. Scary to think that people saw this before I realized how bad it was. 

So there I am. Even putting my hair in a ponytail is risky, there's not enough hair to cover it all. I have to have a thousand clips in place to secure what I have over what's missing. 

I am a bit scared to post these... but I know that showing my vulnerability has been a good tool in the healing process.