Depressed

I fall in and out of depression quite easily it seems. Good thing is, I now know how to recognize it and address it before it gets too out of hand. My husband is also a great help. He can differentiate between bad moods and something really being wrong. We talk about it, and try to fix it. Really though it has to do with my level of anxiety and how it's affecting me. That's where my depression stems from. 

And my anxiety comes from chaos and lack of control. Or, disorganization and hair pulling. 

I've woken up these last few days depressed. I know I should be happy and take care of myself, but I can't seem to bring myself to doing it. That's the first stage. Then I become moody and start talking in my sleep, really I get angry in my sleep. My poor husband. 

So the hair pulling has been out of control these last three days. I've given myself permission to pull, put off trying to stop for now, until I feel ready. But then, the more I pull the farther away I am from caring about anything. The more anxious I become. And then I become depressed. 

I need a new plan. I need to feel some sense of control. I need to be realistic and know that I can't have complete control, but that's not an excuse for what I'm doing. 

I need to wash my hair every day. What's left of my hair at least :( But putting off washing it is the beginning to hiding it and denial. I need to know what it looks like. I need to have a clean head every morning, a fresh start. The more my fingers have been in my hair, the greasier it's been, and the more my face has broken out. I just feel gross all over. 

I just washed my hair and stepped out of the shower looking like Golum, or however his name is spelled, from Lord of the Rings. It's incredibly depressing but then again it's been worst. 

I think I need to buy some kind of hair "help"... like those hair clips with fake hair that I can slip in with my real hair to just kind of make it look thicker. I hate to go that route, but the anxiety from worrying about my bare spots showing is causing me to pull more. Go figure. 

I need to stay away from my hair at all costs after 8pm. There can be no accident pulls, no playing with my hair. Being tired and bored is the worst combination for me I've learned this last week. It's lethal for my hair. I need to have a plan for this and address it every night with a conscious mind. 

I need to pray. Even if I'm not sure how I feel about faith and the power of God in this situation, I know I need his help and that praying won't hurt. If nothing else, at least it's meditation, time where I solely focus on not pulling. 

And I need to wash my hair every day. That will be a bit of a challenge once the new baby is here, but I remember the feeding times with my first being a bad time for pulling too, so I need to make this a priority. Oh yeah, feeding times. That was bad. I was new to breast feeding, so especially while we had company, I would lock myself in the nursery to feed her. Both of us being new at it, one feeding would take an hour, and I'd have to do that every 2 hours. You can imagine. 

I just took some (pregnancy safe) sleeping pills and hope to pass out soon, then wake up to a new day. I have just had a three day binge pulling session, and now I need to call it quits and say that it's over. Even if my high levels of anxiety and depression are not over, I need to learn to get through it without pulling.