Faith

I had a good day, one accident pull, two days ago. Then my world of anxiety came crashing in. 

As I've mentioned, I'm like 11 months pregnant and want things to be ready to bring the newborn home. My beloved cat started peeing on my bed a few days ago. Besides the sheets there's a down comforter, mattress pad, and the mattress itself that has to be cleaned. It takes a good amount of effort to get that cat smell out. Not to mention we've done everything we can for this cat to not pee on our bed, but it happened again. Right after everything was cleaned and put back on. All I could imagine is bringing a newborn home to a cat smelling house and sleeping in a dirty bed. Also, that we probably need to get rid of this stupid cat that I really do love, if we can't figure out what his problem is then he'll just keep doing this.

 I didn't even try to stop myself. I just let myself pull until my arms were so tired they hurt. 

Same thing for yesterday. If I had even tried to pretend that I could not pull, I only would have been filled with shame and guilt when I failed. 

We had dinner with some dear friends yesterday and started talking about personal things, and so I put my brave face on and talked about my recent anxiety and pulling episodes. They pretty much said "get rid of that cat!" but they also prayed for me right there.

I need to think about it a lot more before I write about it, because I'm not entirely sure how I feel or think about God in terms of my hair pulling. I know what I want to believe, what I should believe, but putting into action is something else. So I need to think long and hard about it before I decide what I feel and what I need to do, but it's along the lines of surrendering to Him and giving him my problem so that it's not mine to control anymore. Because I can't control it. 

I need to think about all of this because for someone with Trich, the guilt is directly from believing that they have control and just choose to pull. Also, having anxiety your whole life, one doesn't realize what is "normal" levels of anxiety, and therefore doesn't know any other way of life but the extremely anxious way. And lastly, being an American in today's society, you are raised to believe that everything is up to you, you can do or not do whatever you want... but as a Christian we are to believe that everything is His doing and you can do nothing without Him. Anyways, this is going to take a lot of thought. Hopefully I'll have more to say on it someday.