Before I know it I've been pulling for half an hour while watching the news or surfing the internet.
Yesterday started well enough, I had a good start. But then something really emotional happened and a severe anxiety attack was triggered. I feel like I was able to hold back in a way, but I may just be delusional. Really the difficult part came later, at bed time when I was able to think about the whole day. When I was relaxing, or supposed to be. I was in bed watching TV. I pulled and pulled and pulled. For maybe two hours.
At the time I tell myself it's OK to pull, that I will accept the consequences and accept myself as a puller. What a load of shit, I will say anything to justify the moment. Really, I would have preferred to wake up and do my hair without limits. It was not nice finding two large bare spots that were not there yesterday.
My hair is thinning and thinning. Just the top half. Really, the important half. The hair lies closer to my scalp and it's in a ponytail but it just doesn't look right. It looks like strands of hair were painted on my scalp.
If I could just get one day.... I've done it before. All it took was one day to start and then I had a new obsession; to keep it going. To count the days since I've pulled.
Last year I went one day without pulling for the first time in 10 years. That one day became 10 months pull-free. I did it once, I now know I have the power to do it again. But what happened? How can I avoid relapsing?
Maybe I shouldn't worry about that yet, let's get that one day going first, then I can worry about keeping it going.
I went 3 weeks without pulling last month. Then I went to the hospital with severe pneumonia and had to stay there for a week. I've never been admitted to the hospital save for the time I gave birth. It sucks. It's boring. And I pulled.
Coming home was one giant anxiety attack. I love my husband but good Lord the place was a mess. Not a pigsty, there weren't dirty dishes piling the table or under the bed, the trash wasn't overflowing, my daughter was clean and fed and loved. But the tupperware cabinet was disorganized. Our closet was cluttered. My clothes were put in the wrong drawers. I could go on and on about how out of place everything was. Not a big deal, except that is the exact things that triggers anxiety for me. I hate it, I just feel like life is falling apart. How stupid is that?
I can't explain it, but everywhere I looked something was out of place. I was still sick and had very little energy to do anything about it. So instead I had to sit in this chaos of a house and "rest".
That means I pulled. A lot.
Good news is that today my house is officially put back in order. I feel at peace with sitting in my living room. It's finally relaxing.
I did pull this morning, but very little I think. Once I saw the two large spots from last night I vowed to not pull for the rest of the day. So far so good. I would be happy with day 1/2.
Good news is that I am usually able to recognize what triggers hair pulling and anxiety. Even if recognizing doesn't stop it, it's good to know why. Then sometimes I can decide if it's worth it. Like I said earlier in this post though, usually I'll justify anything in the moment to "get my fix". But it's at least possible I guess.
Today I had a fresh start when I vacuumed. Vacuuming is very therapeutic for me, I realized today. So then why don't I just vacuum everyday? I think that may be a good goal. But if I am able to refrain from pulling then it won't feel as good as it did today, picking up the last week's worth of pulling. Plus, vacuuming isn't very easy for me to do right now. I always find excuses like "My daughter is taking a nap" and "the house is a mess, I have to pick it up first" and "I'm like 11 months pregnant".
Oh, yeah, I'm very very pregnant. Makes everything in life just a little bit more difficult. Especially bending down and picking up dozens of little toys so that I can vacuum.
Last time I gave birth and brought home a newborn, it had a drug-like effect on me. I was the calmest and furthest away from anxiety as I had ever been. I still pulled out of habit, but everyone that knew me commented on my new demeanor. I was walking on cloud nine for months, it was an incredible high. It's what led to my first "day one" ever and the 10 months that followed. I started pulling again after I became pregnant with this one and my husband was gone on an extended work trip, aka deployment. So there I was suffering morning sickness the sorts, and chasing a toddler by myself with absolutely no family in a 500 mile radius, and working full time. I guess that might stress one out.
Anyways, I do hope that bringing this baby home will have the same effect on me, and I suspect it might, but I'm not counting on it. The entire pregnancy has been so completely different than the last that I've thrown out the window any pre-conception of what I'm about to experience.
The fact that I'm about to bring home a new one does trigger a bit of anxiety; the nursery is not put together when it had been done for months before we brought home my daughter. But it's done enough that it's not causing any pulling (I think) Anyways, the anticipation of bringing a new one home does make me a bit anxious, but when I think about nursing him and holding him while he sleeps and bathing him, I become calmer. Crazy.
So that's why I suspect bringing him home will help with my counting the days, but I can't depend on it, kwim?
So to wrap up my super long post;
I hope to have a 'day one'
Vacuuming is good
I recently relapsed when I went to the hospital with pneumonia and came home
I'm very very pregnant
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